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Sep 25, 2006
to the boy: who has all of my attention*
there is nothing better in this world than the things i've done that mask themselves as mistakes. with fear i move forward. and my end is with you. i wasn't an utter failure after all. because after all, after all, after all. i'm with you. Posted at 08:55 pm by lovinit
Aug 26, 2006
i don't really know why i'm writing.
there are all these words in me just dying to come out and pen on paper takes too long for my thoughts these days. funny how the internet conditions us to a different lifestyle, its impersonal but its lets you go so much deeper and say so much more. whatever. there are a lot of things that hurt right now. i've never been the kind of person to not like myself, not that i haven't faked confidence more than a few times, because i have. but they're two completely different things. i've never felt unsatisfied with *myself* maybe with wanting someone else, or wanting to do something, but never me...personally...wishing i was someone else. i think its the stress of everything lately. too much thinking about, everything. and i always end up where i started, which gets me nowhere. just grad school and boys and love and life and what i want. my future. what about my future? all the decisions i've made up till this point. not that i'm questioning them, i don't think theres a point in regretting anything, because obviously at some time i thought it was a good idea. alright, well you can't really apply that statement to every decision you've made. but either way you did it right? so why look back and do just that, ask why. and then it makes you wonder why you wonder. because maybe a small part of me regrets those things if i spend so much time thinking about them or talking about them(and i do) or typing about them. but i think more than that, i worry very very much about where all those things are taking me. i feel so far from my faith and i want to get back on track. everything is easier when you believe in something, in reason, in you being here because it's supposed to make a difference. i had this really long convo with a friend once about religion, which i hate talking about because it makes my head spin and my stomach sick and all of the above because i lack all the answers. but maybe thats the way it should be. we have these minds that seem so limitless in what they can comprehend, but we can't comprehend a lot. a whole freaking lot. but maybe thats the way God wanted it. anyways-talks about religion. got into this whole thing about how believing was the stronger thing to do. and i said, "but what if i'm wrong? what if i believe in something that doesn't exist?" and so on so on. but seriously. believing itself is kind of a cop out. not that i don't REALLY believe. but sometimes i don't know. i don't know if i could ever really NOT believe in there being some higher power watching over us all. because that would mean we were alone. that would mean the people i meet everyday of my life aren't there for a reason. or words i say or people i change, it would mean it was the randomness of life and not some plan. not like God slices our words into exactly what they should be. we are by no means cookie-cutter anythings...but believing is a copout if anything because not believing mean a whole lot of unhappiness if you ask me. sure you can let go and be like, i'm gonna live my life and do whatever i want and blah blah all that but its so bleak to think about things that way. i don't want to not believe in something because i know how unhappy i would be. very very very unhappy. i just don't want to be alone. and maybe i was made that way so i couldn't comprehend anything else because this is what i need to think about to believe. you don't have to understand. i dont even understand all the time, but it feels good to say it anyway. it feels good to get it out. words are like therapy and i've been so fucking lost without them. its been years i think, and looking back its funny to read the things i wrote about, but they meant something to me at the time. not having a boyfriend and all those things. cheesy as they seem its so perfect to sum up me at the time because i can see those words and know. i promise this is connected even if it doesn't seem like it, but thats kinda why i want to get a tattoo. i want to get a running one, because thats such a big part of my life. i can't imagine who i would be without my running, it defines me in so many ways...even when i hate it and oppose it and want to quit it. i could never quit. it seriously a lifestyle and i dont know how to live any other way. right now i don't at least. i want to get one on my leg kinda. i know everytime i looked at it i would remember these years and when i'm older and see it on my leg i can think about all the miles i've run, all the places i've been and things i've accomplished. it doesn't have to be for anyone. just me. to remind me of everything that filled me at the time. its different than words, its personal and always there. always. you don't have to flip some page. its on the body you put through hell and the body you carried around. its a part of you. permanently. too bad i don't like needles. eventually i'll get one. it has to be soon because later it won't be as much of a reminder. this is the time i want to remember and feel when i explain to people that i ran in high school and i ran in college and my coach is h.s. was like a dad to me, and he named his baby after me, and the time i ran in college when i worked my ass off everyday while people did so many other things. this time i commited myself to a team and heartbreak and pain and soreness and being drained all the time, mentally and physically. it'd be a reminder of all the things i got through...because thats where i am now. getting through. and it'll remind me of mark, and how he would hate the idea, but how he loved me in those years we were together. and other people. such a small thing could have such a big effect. i think that why i'd get one too. because it would really really mean something. it wouldn't be some random symbol i got, or me trying to be cool or cliche. itd be a reminder of one some of the best years of my life. i know i'm skipping everywhere. i'm not trying to be confusing theres just so much in this head of mine and my fingers can't go fast enough. i miss so much i want so much. my heart breaks everyday for the things i love. i wish i could keep them close to me all the time. i think too much. i wonder too much. i wish i knew where it was all taking me. but then it wouldn't be as exciting. anyways-i guess thats enough for now. i've got some people waiting on me. some people i love. its been an emotional roller coaster week and i've realized a lot about friendships. a whole freaking lot.
p.s. i miss you. but i can live without you.
enough said. more later. ciao. Posted at 08:33 pm by lovinit
Oct 20, 2005
seriously i had the most bizzare dream. which isn't unusual, but most of the time i wake up and i'm like, " alright....i had really weird dreams last night, but i don't remember them.." but this time i remembered. like...i sat straight up in bed as soon as i woke up and i was like, "MEG...I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM...DO YOU WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT?" and she was like...suureeee lol
so anyways-i meant to write it down this morning, but i didn't...hopefully i still remember it all, i think saying it out loud this morning helped.
alright.so.
mark and i are in it. and like...he lives in this freaking HUGE house. and there is this one part he wants to show me, and this house is so big you can get lost in it so easily. but it's weird too cause we're broken up, so we're passing like his parents and his grandparents and brother and sister and i just feel really awkward saying hey because i feel like they all hate me. and we're walking up these stairs, and he takes me around all these turns and everything and then there is like a HUGE basketball court, like 2 times the size of professional basketball courts- just upstairs in his house. and he's all excited cause there are like so many hoops just all around the room which would probably take like 10 minutes to walk all the way around. anyways-he's really excited. i don't remember exactly what happens from there, but i keep going to this house to see him. and then i get a phone call, and it's from this woman who i saying that i'm violating all these rules because mark wants me out of his life, and he wants to forget me. and i got really really upset, cause at this point we just aren't talking. and it's just a really sad feeling. alright-now it gets really weird, but i even remember the transition from dreams and everything. so...she's like, saying how they're going to have to "take me away" and stuff if i keep trying to see him or talk to him. after that, i'm like transported through time. transported back through time so i can fall in love again. and i'm not me(like the way i actually look) but it's supposed to be. and everyone knows that like, i was transported back through time, and they're like, oh you look so much like your mother, you look so much older than you really are, and i had like these blue eyes and this really dark hair and i was really supposed to be like a young teenager but i guess i looked like 20 or something. and we have this huge house with this weird pottery, and my dad has apparently died. and everyone is like, OH i'm so sorry about your dad, you look so much like your mother. and it's just weird. so THEN. i'm my grandmother...?we're like, standing on thsi pier in the middle of this lake
but the pier is like, swaying in the wind like a flag, and it's pretty damn scary. and i don't like water, and i don't know how we aren't falling of the pier because it's jerking us around and we're standing on the very edge, like our bodies wuold be parallel to the water but somehow we're still hanging onto the pier with our toes. so eventually we fall in and she wants to touch the bottom. but i don't want to cause i'm scared of water. so we fall and we just keep going and going and i'm thinking i'm gonna die before i get to the top to take a breathe again. and i just want to yell at her to take me back up because we haven't even touched the bottom yet and it seems neverending. but we make it somehow...and then i forget the transition here. but there is a boat...and there are all these little kids, and this guy(the guy i'm supposed to fall in love with...the whole reason i traveled back in time) and they're all jumping off this ladder on the boat into the water. and there is this one kid they call T-REX, and i don't understand what and he goes to jump off the ladder and i realize he has an arm coming out of his leg, and i don't know ...it's really weird. and then all of a sudden, we're in this plane. like there is a war going on. and the kids are sitting in the backseat like we're going on some kind of fieldtrip or something, but really we're getting ready to fly over like, this war. so it only takes us like 5 mintuest o get there, and the guy i'm supposed to fall in love with is flying the plane and he hands me this gun, and he tells me when i'm supposed to shoot people. so i'm like, shooting all these people and killing them from this plane whenever he tells me. and people are shooting at us, and the kids are just sitting in the back-like it's fun or something, and i'm thinking that we're all just gonna die. so i kill all these people. and we get back and we land, and meg is there. and IN MY DREAM, i'm telling meg ABOUT my dream.(so when i started telling her this morning it was actually super weird, cause i was like...wow-in my dream i was telling u about my dream)like i was telling her, "NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I WAS SUPPOSED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY AND HE MADE ME KILL ALL THESE PEOPLE. I KILLED ALL THESE PEOPLE MEG" and it was really weird. and that is as much as i remember.
what's even more bizzare though is that i feel like i know the reason for a lot of things being in there.
maybe this won't make sense but i'm gonna write it down cause i feel like these little points will make me remember.
*mark hasn't been online. so i think he's avoiding me and not talking to me even though i was the one who said we shouldn't talk all the time cause it's too hard.
*the last time i was at UNC with him we played this 007 game and i was really bad at shooting all the people.
*meg is a special ed. major, and she watched this video about this kid Charlie who has no legs or arms. not that it's the same, but i feel like that's where TREX comes in.
*meg and i had this conversation about mark, and guys, and love, and just all this stuff before we went to bed....
*we swam yesterday morning.
*i have my psych of personality mid-term next tues. and in review we were talking about Milgram's obediance study with the administering of shocks. and how Hitler used this same technique...and i feel like maybe that's why i was screaming at her how "HE MADE ME KILL ALL THESE PEOPLE"
alright...what a weird blog. more llatterrrr.bbuuhbye*~!
Posted at 03:10 pm by lovinit
Oct 19, 2005
wow it's been forever.
i've just been stressed lately. needing somewhere to write things down again. it's weird to go back and read all the things i wrote before. i guess after i had mono this whole updating thing went downhill. but it's ok...cause i'm back:)
the year thus far has been full of things i've never felt. i wish that was always a good thing.
my mom found out she has breast cancer. i went back home with my sisters and stayed with her for basically the week while after she got through her surgery and everything. is it weird that i can't stop wondering what dad thinks about all this?probably. i dunno, i just wonder what he feels when he hears news like that about someone that his life used to be centered around. mark and i broke up too. which is, sucking. it just makes me feel like everyone else is right. or was right. and i don't want everyone else to be right, like my mom and my sisters, and random people you meet who give you their two cents about being "young and in love" and needing to "experience other people." grr. it always made me so mad. but mark and i get so frustrated with each other. it's like, at the point for me where i don't know how to live without him, and i don't want to live without him, and i want him to be the one i'm supposed to be with. i'm not even interested in other guys. like...AT ALL. but then i'm like, well, i wish we could just take a break and see if something else comes along. because what if like, we're both settling for being treated the way we are. what if there's a girl for him who doesn't like going to parties and who would do ANY little thing to make him happy. that's my problem. i love him so and i would, when it came down to it, do anything for him. but only if i felt like i was worth that much to him. it's like, i feel like he just doesn't care about my happiness sometimes. which can go both ways but that's why we both lost. that's why we're broken up.
it's like...drinking. he thinks it's wrong. and i get that. i get that he thinks it's wrong. but i like to do it occasionally, and i'm a social person, i like going out. why is that something that should be stopped just because i have a boyfriend?it isn't fair to stop yourself from doing things you want to do just because someone doesn't approve. and that's fine he doesn't approve. but why does it have to consume our relationship. it's like, everything i do is something he dissproves of. gah, and talking to other guys. like i'm sorry that i'm functioning like a normal human being and maintaining basic human contact with other people...whether they're the opposite sex or not. i mean....what. AHG i can't even type about it without my blood like boiling. it's so effing frustrating. and i know he feels the same way but it's like. how can i can have this feeling, and just want to get back together with him right now? i just want like a break. but he made things so hard in the beginning. like, well we either are together or we aren't so i was like, fine, we aren't. but that isn't even what i want. and we can't just pull each other back and forth. i mean, i don't KNOW what's going to happen. i don't KNOW where we'll be in the next few months, if we'll be friends, if we'll be back together, if we'll even be TALKING. i don't effing know. i wish we could just focus on ourselves for a little bit, and see if there was anything else out there. which will take a while to even get to that point. it's not like all of a sudden i'm bug-eyed over guys. i'm walking around all mopey and sad and i'm probably one of the most unattractive things guys have laid their eyes on during the day. but it doesn't matter cause the point isn't that i'm looking, the point is that if something comes along for either one of us and we're actually willing to put the past behind us and try moving on with someone else, then we'll know it's time to let go. i know if i can't get to that point with anyone that i won't be able to move on. and then we'll end up back together...i think. whatever. i would be semi-jealous if he was with someone else, but if him being with that other person and deciding i was the only one he wanted for the rest of his life and that he would be willing to sacrafice for me, then we'll go into it stronger the second time and we won't fight as much or treat each other as badly(cause it DEF goes both ways, i'm pretty sure i'm the one who escalates most of the arguments, even if he does start them) it's just that distance sucks too. even though it isn't THAT far, it still stops you from being able to like sit down and look someone in the eyes and tell them what's bothering you and how you're feeling. God i'm so confused. i just wish i knew where this would all end. if you have any advice. that'd be amazing. Posted at 01:08 pm by lovinit
Dec 22, 2004
every motion seals the notion that i'm just....that...unbearable
nervous
fingering.
fumbling and mumbling
through the minutes
JusT concentrate...on that hole in your shirt.
a little more damage
a little less
concentration
on your part.
it breaks your heart to open your eyes
and you've become an expert on avoiding every situation that involves...
yeah.
just blink through the moment
and you'll make it to the end.
that's what you're best at.
fan our your hands to see
the life that pumps within you
the lines that make you who you are.
you
need
that
much
re a ssur ance.
Posted at 06:33 pm by lovinit
i've made up my mind
for the time being. we can be.
alone.
in a white noise room.
silence without the...
i's and l's and u's rolling off your tongue.
meeting you
blank stare
filled with chaos.
but don't worry about the contradiction
cause that's what you are.
Posted at 06:15 pm by lovinit
we've miles to go now
with dizzy thoughts that cloud our brains
we're swimming through the sky to an unfamiliar home.
everyone gets closer at christmas.
drowsy-
head slouched down, and next to me
she sleeps.
and next to her-
can't even describe
the terror of the moment.
check watch-look out window-clench armrest.
all in cyclical motion as she wakes and falls back to rest again.
my drink is gone.
three gulps in an effort to find something to do, and in regret i wish i'd taken smaller sips.
front bathrooms reserved for first class only.
so i close my eyes.
and thoughts of him pass the time.
wait for our arrival-
anxious nightfall brings us in.
Posted at 06:13 pm by lovinit
my arms are tired from flying...
HAHA so that's what my dad used to say anytime he flew in from a trip...anyways*it's out last day in RI, and i still didn't finish my airport story:)
we're sitting there...at gate C23 waiting to board our plane...and my sister
she spots
someone she knows.
lol
who could this person be?
so her eyes get real big, and this woman...sees that she's been spotted. my sister-jumps OUT of her seat, and looks at the woman with wide, wide, WIDE eyes. "JENNY?"
jesi and i...have NO clue who this jenny person is. and she apparently has no clue who becky is. which is even more halarious.
so becky jumps up to shake her hand...and the woman is like "whoa whoa, i don't even know who you are."
HAHA
so she introduces herself..and i'm trying to catch bits of the conversation...and all i get in *Oprah*show a year and a half ago*i can't believe you recognized me*something about a bojangles chicken biscuit*and maine for christmas.
thats all-other than that*i'm completely clueless as to what is going on. and so is jesi. so we just sit and smile and pretend like we know the woman too since everyone else waiting to board the plane is looking at us now. awesome, awesome experience.
so i'm looking at this woman...thinking-Oprah? hhmm...my sister must have recognized her from an episode...and im thinking
what people does oprah have on her show that aren't celebrities??
and i'm not trying to be funny...really i'm not
but of the few episodes i've watched...it's been like
escaped sex slaves, teen prostitutes, and people who have had sex changes or something like this.
either way-it's normal people with stories to tell. and this woman was NOT a celebrity because come on now...i would have recognized her.
eyes...travel...to neck...HHMMM???scar?
she's kinda tall for a woman...built in a very....how do you say-masculine...way?
case solved. yes...this woman was not a woman...she was indeed...a man. or had been-at some point.
so please...tell me. who...in their entire experience with flying has ever run into a woman that used to be a man.
very, very interesting.
so next...actually technically this is backtracking...but*
since september 11th all the airport security has like gone bezerk right. which is good-because then at least you feel safe...but it's just weird, when you know you aren't like carrying a weapon or anything and you can't make it through airport security.
so yah...this was me the day we were flying to rhode island.
all i wanted to do was see my dad. seriously.
so i go through...
BEEP BEEP BEEP. and of course like the 10 people in front of me all got through FFIINNEE so i look all suspicious. awesome awesome.
"take off your jacket"
i do...
"walk through"
BEEP BEEP BEEP.
"take off your shoes...walk through"
BEEP BEEP BEEP.
"you're gonna need to stand over to the side"
at this point...everyone is looking at me. and my sisters are like....God christie it's the paperclip, it's the damn paperclip that you had in your pocket to keep the tickets together.
so EVERYTHING comes out of my pockets
there is a mat with feet marks on it..and i stand there...arms spread out as wide as they can go as they scan me with that little detector thing....BEEP BEEP BEEP
and we don't even know WHERE it's coming from...
my sister at this point is fumbling for her camera...in a state of hysterics because she thinks this is almost as funny as the time i got the cactus stuck in my leg in vegas...and i'm getting the "pat down" by a very masculine woman who informed me that if i felt uncomfortable, they could take me to a private room.
and i'm thinking-hell no i don't want a private room, you can pat me down right here in front of all these people.
anyways...
BEWARE IF YOU OWN THE PAIR OF HOLISTER JEANS THAT HAS A METAL CLASP ON THE BUTT.
after the pat down they let me through...i guess they were convinced i was harmless...
and THAT was my airport experience.
good times, good times.
Posted at 06:02 pm by lovinit
Dec 20, 2004
*CrAzY-NeSs* at christmas time:)
darn*i've been so bad about keeping this thing up...when i realllyyyy should be writing in it like aaallll the time. no entires since i've been at school*crazy*~!
so anyways...i'm bored...a little bit. i'm in rhode island at my dad's...and it's so weird being here*i wish i could explain...but some things are just impossible to describe. like this feeling. an in between feeling*not really good or bad...just-different in an extreme way. my sisters are here thanks God. one part of myfamily together at last. geez i miss them sssooo much and i don't realize it till they're back here and everything kinda feels normal again...just laughing and joking around*and i forget how much time has passed since there was so much love in one room.
i can't imagine living in this house by myself. at least he has my logan:) i'm so glad he took her. i would have died giving her to some strangers and just wondering where she'd end up years down the road. at least now she'll stay in the family. maybe one day when i have my own we can take her back...or when i get an apartment in college or something. but who knows-by that time maybe she'll just be his. but at least she started out as mine...yyeaahh.
it's so old...but it's beautiful. i guess some shoemaker used to live here with his wife. and she'd passed away some years ago and he just had to move into a nursing home because he couldn't take care of himself anymore. it kinda makes me sad. i wish he knew how much we loved it here. i know it's only the second visit...but i can see bringing my kids here years from now, ya know? to see their grandpa...awww. it's just so far. but it'll be worth the trip. it'll be worth the memory ya know? so anyways*he's done a lot of work on it. filling up his time i'm sure. God it must get lonely. it's strange sleeping in the same bad that's from his apartment in north carolina, it's like..all the same furniture, all the same bedspreads. just a completely different house. it was weird not moving with him this time ya know. i wonder how it was moving on his own. uhg-too many questions-so i'm moving on to something more upbeat.
*my airport experience*
i love flying. i really do. i just like the feeling-and the takeoff...and the bumpy landings...yepp-i even like those. i just got nervous this time about like....crashing. which is stupid i know cause it's such a small chance but it still sits in the back of your head ya know-at least i don't freak out like my sisters. becky just sleeps the whole time-and jesi. ohhhh poor jess. she just clenches her seat and looks over every once in a while with a look like-oh my god i'm gonna die. for two hours....i dunno how she does it.
so if you know becky...you know she's-
well...
one of a kind:)
she has this indescribably enthusiasm and i'm not sure where it comes from.
but she is so like
from one end to the other. one minute she's all smiles and the next minute-what did you do to piss her off?
she is easily irritated...but easily excited
oops-she just came in and wants to check her mail-so i'll have to finish my experience later. it really wasn't THAT big of a deal...haha it was just unforgettable and so like...who else experiences things like this?lol...anyways*~more later
love love love
Posted at 01:55 pm by lovinit
Oct 24, 2004
silent goodbyes=wonderful lies...cues for the moment
been a HECK of a long day*
recruits were here at APP this weekend:)yyayyyyy and two of them are definitely gonna come which is fun because they were awesome!then i had stupid GIC for freshman seminar...i guess i shouldn't call it stupid it was kinda fun*it took like four hours though and like...half of our class didn't even go~aanyywayysss oh well
ya know what is seriously getting to me so much? when people will talk about other people and be like OMG DID YOU SEE HER SHE WAS SO FAT??
and i'm like wow...do you even know her...do you always have to go by what you see on the outside?like i wonder how many things in life...if you added every single one of them up from every single person in every single place...how many things people miss out on just because they're judgmental. uhg. so annoying. whatever people are ignorant and stupid and it's their loss right i mean if they're gonna judge then they don't deserve to even be that person friend. stop being judgmental people.
frustration city.
it's like i can't even move or breathe without being criticized* i LOVE that! don't you love that??
*BIG SMILE* just kidding...i mean for those of you who are slow and didn't catch on.
ummm
i like to dance and i like having friends(of both sexes)
someone please shoot me because i've committed those horrible crimes listed above.
i mean...my view of friendship is incredibly misconstrued because apparently you're not allowed to have both friends and a boyfriend at the same time?
wow...who knew?
instead i've realized the following*not on my own though...this is too complex for me to have figured out on my own...i've just had fingers pointed at me is aalll i'm saying*
because EVERYONE agrees
1)no eye contact with the opposite sex...that's flirting for those of you who didn't know
2)absoloutly NO speaking...hello they'll think you want to have sex with them or something
3)def. no friendly behavior, even if it is...um...what's the word for it...OH!
FRIENDLY BEHAVIOR (i.e. saying hello, holding the doors open for people, or answering any personal questions...because this means they're hitting on you and you have obviously encouraged someone in the wrong ways if they want to speak to you...guys never just want to be your friend. OH MY GOD DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT??? NEVER...EVERY SINGLE GUY ON THE PLANET WANTS TO GET IN YOUR PANTS...oh except for one...)
and ssoo many more...i just don't have time to write them down...wow....you guys think seriously about that now because we don't want boys and girls being friends- it's unacceptable....
it's only called being SOCIAL---
oohhhh but there's nothing wrong with being SOCIAL he says it's just that you FLIRT
wow...you've got me aalll figured out cuz that is totally my goal in life and i want to be with every single guy i talk to and i most definetly am, making a list of future boyfriends i want and all the guys i talk to are on that list because i mean...what...NO i don't wanna just be there friend??that's crazy??no one ever just wants to be FRIENDS???no one can ever be TRUSTED???cuz we know people SO FREAKING WELL
i love people who have it alll figured out
and who don't think it's ok to learn from mistakes
oh wait....who say it's not ok to have mistakes PERIOD...sorry i don't make the world effing perfect for you
and who have to freaking rub it in your face that you have and they haven't like every 5 minutes
and i love people who are unaccepting of others-they're the best people in the world
and the ones who understand that you make mistakes while going through a hard time
because i mean...you're supposed to be perfect when everything is going wrong in your life
i llooveee people who make you feel worthless
and not good enough
and then apologize 2 seconds later because they pity your worthlessness
freaking love it
i love the stuff you try to get away from that just follows you everywhere
because everyone deserves to have their mistakes beaten into their head with a bat
i mean...just because they've changed doesn't mean they learned anything...that's why it's necessary to make them feel like crap-didn't you know??
DAMNIT DIDN'T YOU KNOW
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FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I VERY STRONGLY DISLIKE
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Posted at 05:42 pm by lovinit
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